Why are we getting it wrong with resilience?

In a modern, fast-paced society, it has been taught to us from a young age to be resilient and never let anything stop us but to go ahead with our vision pushing forward. The fighter in us never gives up, and that is a good thing for it keeps us moving, no matter what life throws at us. But sometimes, it is essential to pause and take time to reflect before we bounce off quickly or else it can end up causing endless stress and overwhelm.

Andrew Bryant, Speaker, Coach, Author, and Global Thought Leader on Self-leadership, explains that resilience is the ability to bounce forward and not bounce back. He says that we are changed forever by challenging experiences, and hence resilience is bouncing forward and not bouncing back.

But we have put resilience hard work and optimism on the pedestal, and, so we lie to ourselves that challenging situations do not affect us. We pretend that everything is the same. We should stop the pretense and instead take the time to pause and reflect.

Why are we getting it wrong with resilience?

We disown our feelings.

We find it difficult, to be honest about our feelings. It is natural to get upset when things don’t work out our way. But all through the challenging and no-so pleasant times, we put a smile on our faces, put our blinders on, and moved ahead. We disown all unacceptable emotions like anger, irritation, self-pity, doubt, exhaustion, and tiredness. We don’t want to own any of this gunk. We should not let it consume us. But can we acknowledge we have these feelings?

We are afraid to share our pain. 

We feel resentful when we see people less deserving than us getting it easy. We feel rage when we see others who have hardly put an effort moaning about their issues gathering a crowd to attend to them. Heck, we too are there first in the queue for the rescue mission. We feel resentful because, unlike them, we are afraid to share our pain, hurt, and disappointment. Maybe we should try to share the problems. After all, a burden shared is a burden halved.

We can’t accept being vulnerable.

We don’t like it when others view us as weak. It makes us feel vulnerable, incapable, not strong enough; We don’t want to see ourselves as that because we vilify those traits within us. So we say, move on, it’s ok, be strong. Can we allow ourselves to be vulnerable.?

We don’t use the empathy, Compassion on ourselves.

We don’t like to show ourselves our empathy, comfort, soothing extra love and snuggles that we offer others to ourselves when we feel low, punched in the gut or when obstacles come hurling at us. We call that self-pity or feeling sorry for ourselves. Instead, we could be compassionate by giving ourselves a safe space to feel those feelings that we are not comfortable showing others.

We want to upkeep false pretences and acts about being in control.

We want to pretend that we are ok, fine, have everything in control. Society subtly expects us to be infallible. So we want to fulfil that role to the best we can. Can we be honest to ourselves and say, No, I don’t feel ok, but feel hurt, disappointed and let down?

We overate demanding and challenging.

We have this romanticised version of struggle and hardship and in some toxic way, are attracted to it. We don’t want easy and straightforward. We want it complicated and difficult because only then we can prove that we are great and excellent. Beating all odds makes us feel special and like a bad-ass so subconsciously we seek it.

We hold on to unhealthy thoughts and beliefs subconsciously.

According to the Law of attraction, all our thoughts and beliefs, have the power to turn into reality. If we think or believe that struggle and strife is right, we attract more of it in our life. So it is essential to let know if we think such thoughts, reflect on them and let them go.

We are not conscious of our needs and wants

We are not aware of what we want and are busy heading off the wild cluelessly, not knowing why we are doing it. We ought to be working smart instead of working hard.

We cant embrace rest and fun.

Achievement, conquer, hard work, challenges are significant and have its place. But we must find it challenging to chill out, rest, relax, vent out feelings when we give ourselves time to do that it provides perspective and eases the ride. We don’t need to make it more challenging than it needs to be.

To conclude

Bouncing forward doesn’t mean that we need to change who we are. We can still be resilient but need to use our resources on things that are worth our time and effort. Also recognize that we have other traits like Compassion, empathy, kindness to self, vulnerability, pretenses. Being aware of our whole self and all the strengths we have will make the journey easier.

So the next time you catch yourself on the run or ready to bounce back, remember to give yourself the time to pause and feel all your emotions. Let them out without judgment and be aware of the subconscious thoughts you are clinging to. Reflect on how valid and accurate they are and let them go if they serve no purpose. It is best to bounce forward with a clean slate and letting go of all the baggage. Because to deny that the situation affected you is a big lie.

This article was originally published in Elephant Journal